Don't let this happen to you!

Disclaimer: This is a joke...it is NOT kid friendly. And please do not drink anything while reading this. You have been warned! Now have a really good laugh.

Dear Friends,As many of you know, last year I had a near-death experience trying to do my own bikini-waxing at home.... Praise God that it didn't go as far as it could have! Please read the following account--it is a cautionary tale!

WARNING: What you are about to read may make you pee your pants!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabine! t." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my buttcheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly ! I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair; The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.*Hoo-haa? Sealed shut! - - Butt?? Sealed shut!I do the penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off. Right??? WRONG!!!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax!!! So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement- epoxy myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and have some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" I calmly tell her.There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax offwith a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It is s-o-o-o painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!! !!.

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.Next week I'm going to try hair color.......

Award goes to me!

Well, my soul brother over at Ramblings of SilverBlue had awards where people voted on blogs they liked best in each category. Imagine my surprise when I actually won something. 15 votes for best comeback blog? I'll go thanks! And display my award......my only issue? I get an award, but no chocolate or DBCC......and for those who don't know, DBCC stands for Death by Chocolate Chip Cake. It's 160 oz (yes 160) of chocolate cake including a chocolate ganache sauce that is the best in the world. I've been given the recipe, but it is never as good as when it is made by someone else.

So soul brother of mine....where's my cake to go with the award?????????

A Letter to Tide

okay, in today's society it isn't funny funny...but i still snickered over it

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the ass. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people...

How We Fool Ourselves.....say what?

So there i was reading the Sunday paper.....okay, every once in a while, it happens where I get to read about current events in something other than on msn or excite.

As I'm reading through it (after reading comic section first of course), I come across an article, that they are asking the FDA to remove the ban on gays giving blood to the red cross. As I read it, i went "oh...they were banned? when?" and found out it was back in the late 1980's. The justification for this, is that someone who was homosexual and had sexual relations with the past year or more was at risk of providing blood with infectious diseases (e.g. HIV).

Now although I understand and can see where we are trying to protect others, the actual ban made me laugh. Do you really believe someone giving blood is going to say "yep, i'm homosexual and i was busy in the sack in the last 12 months".................

This goes along with the "don't ask don't tell of the military". If you don't let anyone know you are homosexual (i.e. don't get caught, don't say anything and don't live your life except in a closet), then you don't exist. Or as a military member told me "There aren't any gays in the military, as then when i was showering around them, they might be trying to look at me or cop a feel". Thought i would bust up laughing at that one. Like knowing that someone is of a different mindset means they will all of a sudden start jumping every guy or girl they see. Please, we have more issues with HETEROSEXUALS than we have ever heard of from the homesexual side.

My point to all of this? As a general society, we make some really silly rules to allow us to feel better about ourselves and hide our head in the sand. What a persons persuasion is, is THEIR business. Instead of wasting time on useless laws that someone will lie about everytime, it would be more effective to develop tests that can find diseases or cure diseases in the first place would be a more productive use of our time.

Just something for everyone to think about........and if you disagree? By all means comment, as long as you keep it civil

The World According to Bush

I try not to say too many things, since I didn't vote and thus didn't make my voice heard. Now, I keep watching news stories and shaking my head over and over on how our President doesn't care what the people want and are saying. Doesn't care that those who elected him and that he is supposed to be working for say "hey, we don't want this....." and "we think you are doing a terrible job" consistently over and over. Congress goes "hey, this isn't a good idea" and our president goes "I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF YOU....I'M IN CHARGE AND WE'LL DO IT MY WAY!!!!!!" that is called a dictatorship, not a democracy.

Case in point? Newest article on Bush's approval ratings and the allowing control of NY ports by a company that had / has ties to terrorism (remember? the people who killed innocents here in the US? the people we have spent 4+ years wasting money on fighting in IRAQ?) Oh yes, he conveniently forgot that was his excuse for us being over there...........

http://apnews.excite.com/article/20060310/D8G8N12O5.html

So what is he doing now? Telling the american people AND congress that he wants the port deal to go through and if anyone tries to stop him he'll veto it. Can you say I don't think so????? Congress has had enough, the American people have had enough and it is time for a lame duck presidency for the remainder of his term. Essentially stop him from causing anymore problems until people can elect someone new. You KNOW a president is in trouble when his OWN POLITICAL party is going "ummm.......can we not claim him as one of us?????"

So keep writing your congressman and keep expressing your views that just because someone is elected, doesn't make them God. or as someone said to me this morning. We aren't the USA, we are USB....United States of Bush (thanks tink :) )

What's in it for me?

My daughter is getting older and having a birthday party this weekend. As any parent will tell you, not only is it difficult for you to watch your children grow up, but it is more difficult to see them learn lessons about life that you can't protect them from. You have to let them experience it and go through the pain.

Everyone today is in the mode of "What is in it for me?" We can't help someone else, unless it is to our benefit. We must weigh every choice and decision on the advantages and disadvantages of what the return on our investment will be. Morals, ethics and social correctness do not enter into the equation anymore. This attitude is being taught to our children and is a sad statement on our society.

My case in point is when we were younger (yes, i'm dating myself), we used to buy cereal, not for the taste or that we liked it, but for the gratification of the toy in the box. Today children do not have that option, but they do have the option when deciding between McDonald's or Wendy's....who's giving out the best toy this week? Now add to that, my daughter invited someone to her birthday party. Her invitation was received first.......a day later the person received an invitation for another birthday party on the same day. Manners dictate that if they are both friends, then the first invitation received is accepted and the second is turned down. Instead, the parent allowed the child to choose which party they wanted to go to. The child chose the party with the coolest prize of course (our party is a movie party, the other party is a build a bear workshop party where the child will get to go home with a $25 stuffed animal). My daughter of course is upset about this and there is nothing I can tell her other than to hug her and say "yes, it is upsetting" "yes it is not fair" "and no, people should not decide based on What's in it for me?"

Some lessons in life are not fair and it becomes even harder when you are raising your children correctly and so many others aren't. It makes your child go "why should i follow the right path? it just means i'm doing the correct thing but that i'm losing anyway"......and to that you respond that "it isn't about winning or losing, it is about doing the right thing and feeling good about yourself that you haven't hurt someone else's feelings as they will hurt yours"

Can we please start reversing our trends of "What's in it for me?" and "It's all about me" before society degrades any further?

Gremlin Reward Offered

Reward Offered!

For capture (alive or dead) of the multiple gremlins who like to increase the paperwork and add to the to-do list on your desk.

To date, these creatures are sneaky, conniving and quick. Extreme care should be taken in capturing them, as if they get loose, they will sound the alarm and everyone's to do lists will immediately increase 10 fold.

Description of the gremlin? This is an issue....if anyone has a reliable picture or description, it would be appreciated as with their quickness and slight of hand (they add to your list the minute you blink your eyes), they are difficult to describe.

Reward: Dependent on the verification of the to-do list and paperwork gremlin capture (no facsimilies or fakes will be allowed) and the proof that the paperwork and to-do lists are not increasing (i.e. that you only caught one and not the entire family)

Thank you!

Ads gone wrong

This was forwarded to me and thought it was worth a snicker....enjoy



Ads Gone Wrong

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Sheer stockings:
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Man, honest. Will take anything.
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Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.

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Used Cars:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
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Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
Blue Cross and salary.